The Death of Commitment?

In my early 20s, I was in a long-term relationship. We were young, stubborn, and often argued—sometimes over trivial things, sometimes over things that mattered. But every argument ended the same way: with a resolution. No matter how heated things got, it never crossed my mind that we would break up. To me, arguments were part of the process—part of us. They were messy, frustrating, and uncomfortable, but also a way to understand each other better. They were just moments we had to work through before getting back to the good parts of love.

But somewhere along the way, something shifted. Over the last decade, as I moved into new relationships, I noticed a stark difference. Disagreements no longer felt like just disagreements; they felt like the beginning of the end. After every argument, even small ones, the question lingered: Are we breaking up? Or worse, Should I leave before they leave me?

It’s not just me. Many people I’ve spoken to seem to share this sentiment, this underlying fear that the fragility of modern relationships means any conflict could shatter them completely. But why?

The Fear of Losing and the Rise of Self-Sabotage

I’ll admit, I’ve found myself self-sabotaging in ways I never imagined before. When my partner and I argue, my mind spirals: Maybe he’s not happy with me. Maybe this isn’t working. Maybe I should just leave. It’s almost as though I’m trying to preempt heartbreak by being the one to walk away first. But why are we so afraid of getting too invested? Isn’t that the point of love? To invest fully, knowing there are risks but committing to it anyway?

Arguments, disagreements, and differences are part of any relationship. In fact, they’re crucial to building intimacy and trust. But for many of us, the fear of being left, or of things becoming too hard, seems to overshadow the beauty of sticking it out.

What Changed?

Psychologically, this could tie back to our attachment styles. Research shows that people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often struggle with conflict resolution in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals might fear abandonment after an argument, while avoidant types might feel overwhelmed and push for distance. These attachment styles can make it hard to see conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to the relationship.

But beyond individual psychology, there’s also a cultural shift at play. Sociologists have noted that our generation is living in a time of “relationship consumerism.” Dating apps, social media, and the constant portrayal of seemingly perfect couples have made relationships feel disposable. If something doesn’t work, the logic goes, we can simply “swipe” for someone better. This mindset can make it harder to stay committed when the going gets tough.

Studies support this idea. One study from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that young adults today are more likely to view conflict as a sign of incompatibility, rather than a natural part of a relationship. This contrasts sharply with older generations, who often saw conflict as something to be worked through, not walked away from.

Are We Losing the Art of Commitment?

I can’t help but wonder: are we ever going to return to a time when we valued commitment as deeply as we once did? A time when people stayed and worked through things without cheating, without having one foot out the door, without constantly looking for “the next best thing”?

Commitment isn’t glamorous. It’s not just the Instagram-worthy dates or the grand gestures. It’s the daily grind—the discipline, communication, and consistency it takes to show up for your partner, even when it’s hard. It’s the willingness to choose them, again and again, even when things aren’t perfect.

But that kind of love takes work, sacrifice, and vulnerability. And for many of us, vulnerability feels too risky in a world where people seem to leave so easily.

Breaking the Cycle

So, where do we go from here? For me, the first step is acknowledging my fears. When I feel the urge to self-sabotage, I try to pause and ask myself: Is this fear talking, or is this my intuition? Often, it’s fear—a fear of being left, of being hurt, of giving too much.

Next, I remind myself of what I truly want: a love that lasts. That kind of love isn’t built on perfection or the absence of conflict. It’s built on commitment, compromise, and trust.

Finally, I try to communicate with my partner. Instead of assuming he’s unhappy or wants to leave, I ask. Instead of bottling up my doubts, I share them. This kind of honesty isn’t easy, but it’s necessary if we’re going to build something that lasts.

A Call to Commit

Maybe as a society, we need to rethink our approach to love. Maybe we need to stop romanticizing “the perfect partner” and start appreciating the beauty of working through imperfections together. Maybe we need to stop treating relationships as disposable and start valuing the depth and intimacy that only come from staying, even when it’s hard.

Because in the end, isn’t that what love is really about?